True meaning of life safely hidden away in personal anecdote portion of online recipe

Laval, QC – Humanity’s quest to discover the fundamental truth about our existence has been solved, as it turns out to be located in the personal story section of a recipe for homemad…

Local woman who bought regular grapes instead of seedless just gonna give up on whole life

BURLINGTON, ON – Last Tuesday evening, 27 year-old bartender Eva Parsons realized as she got home from a grocery run that she had bought regular grapes instead of seedless ones. At that mom…

White supremacist organization clears white supremacist of white supremacy

ATLANTA – Asian residents breathed a sigh of relief yesterday when the Atlanta Police Department, a white supremacist organization, cleared white supremacist terrorist, Robert Aaron Long, o…

Chaos in streets after all traffic lights turned green for St. Patrick’s Day

TORONTO – Several multi-car pile-ups and other severe crashes are being reported at nearly every major intersection in Toronto, after the city set all the traffic lights to remain green in …

Zack Snyder confirms new Justice League cut is four hours long because it’s entirely in slow motion

LOS ANGELES – On the cusp of the release of Zack Snyder’s Justice League on HBO Max, director Zack Snyder has revealed that the film was shot as a 121 minute story which has been stretched …

Unpromising young man reviews ‘Promising Young Woman’

LOS ANGELES – Ryan Booker, an unpromising man from Los Angeles, has finally gotten a chance to post his review of Promising Young Woman on Letterboxd. “I am very excited to share my views o…

“Canada has a black woman on our money,” boasts white liberal who does not know her name

HALIFAX – In an online Twitter argument late Saturday night, local white liberal Jordyn Michaud landed a devastating blow against her American opponent by pointing out that Canada already h…

Toronto residents announce plans to pronounce even fewer letters in word ‘Toronto’

TORONTO – Local residents have announced plans to continue dropping letters from their pronunciation of the name of their city. “In the 50s we made the choice to drop the second T, an…

Vatican won’t bless gay marriage: “God wants gays to have a consensual poly arrangement”

VATICAN CITY – The Vatican has announced their official position that they cannot bless same-sex marriage due to the fact that trapping gay people within an outdated heteronormative institu…

Uber lobbies provincial governments to classify its drivers as livestock

VICTORIA – Uber Technologies Inc. is petitioning provincial governments to enact regulatory changes to allow Uber and other companies to provide gig workers with all the benefits and safety…