Doug Ford sets up snitch line for parents who taught kids Sex Ed during lockdown
TORONTO – With the remaining Ontario schools finally open again, Premier Doug Ford is determined to ensure a safe return to the classroom – by setting up a snitch line for heathen parents who tau…
Father giving up on son for Lent
VANCOUVER – Local father James Hanover made a surprise statement on the car ride home from Ash Wednesday church service, announcing that for Lent this year he would be giving up on his elde…
Man storming Canadian capital in buffalo horns turns out to be actual buffalo
OTTAWA – The RCMP are reassuring Canadians that a man in buffalo horns seen storming the Canadian capital earlier this month was not in fact a right-wing insurrectionist, but an actual buff…
Shovelling snow found to be number 1 cause of Canadians muttering ‘fuck this fucking shit’ over and over
OTTAWA – A new study indicates that the biggest cause of Canadians repeatedly exclaiming ‘fuck this fucking shit’ is shovelling snow. “Of all the frustrations that plague …
Trudeau struggles to find astronaut to fill Governor General position
OTTAWA – Following the resignation of Governor General Julie Payette, in the wake of abuse allegations, Prime Minister Trudeau has been having an impossible time finding another astronaut t…
Ground-breaking new show features two mismatched detectives
LOS ANGELES, CA – NBC has announced the spring debut of Police Cops, which will shock and surprise television viewers by making two characters with disparate personalities solve crimes together. …
Hallmark announces holiday movie about woman who realizes her hometown is an irredeemably racist shithole
LOS ANGELES – The Hallmark Channel has announced that it will be expanding its catalogue of original holiday content with a new Valentine’s day movie about a career woman who returns home f…
5 tips to make your Valentine’s Day as hot and steamy as St. Valentine’s execution
Today is the day of love, where we slow down our normal routine, take a moment, and cherish those we love. Whether it’s a partner, spouse, or just a friend with benefits, we all know the thrill o…
5 ways to spot which Facebook friend is about to post a think piece on why “Valentine’s Day is a capitalistic trap”
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and so is the looming threat of a Facebook post by that friend of yours who needs you to know that you’re scum for celebrating Valentine’s Day! We all k…
HBO ready to offer up another Game of Thrones prequel, you sick fucks
LOS ANGELES, CA – HBO reportedly has another Game of Thrones prequel series in development, which they are really hoping is what you fucking people want. Based on George R.R. Martin’s more …
