Authentic plant-based meat adds gristly mushroom bits for consumers to gag on
EL SEGUNDO, CA – As part of their ongoing quest to create a plant-based meat that accurately mirrors real meat in every way, Beyond Meat has begun sprinkling inedible vegan gristle into the…
Pentagon announces plan to Irish Goodbye troops out of Afghanistan
WASHINGTON DC – The Pentagon has officially announced today that it will Irish Goodbye American troops out of Afghanistan. The decision was made after months of deliberation on the best way…
Local woman spices up life by swinging wildly between depression and anxiety
EDMONTON, AB – Local interior designer Rebecca McCallops has found a new lease on her otherwise humdrum life by veering wildly between bouts of depression and anxiety. “I was in a really he…
Opinion: I work out topless because it makes me stronger not because I like the attention
By @Conrad_Lifts Hey everyone! How’s it going? Fair warning: I’m still buzzing with endorphins after my second F45 class of the day, so apologies for any twpos! Regardless, I’ll do my best …
Trump definitely going to jail, claims reporter who’s new here
NEW YORK CITY – With numerous devastating charges laid against the Trump Organization by New York prosecutors, the 45th President of the United States is certain to spend the rest of his li…
Catholic church one broken commandment away from bingo
OTTAWA, ONT – The Catholic church is reportedly one broken commandment away from getting a full card bingo. “It’s a real nail-biter,” began Father Owen Karmichael, after flashing his almost…
Cosby conviction overturned after court rules that at least 1000 more women needed to have come forward
PENNSYLVANIA — Despite being credibly accused of sexual assault by sixty women and serving just under three years of a possible 10 year sentence, Bill Cosby was released from prison today a…
Donald Rumsfeld to finally get chance to confront Saddam Hussein
THE AFTERLIFE – Former U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who died today at the age of 88, will reportedly get his long-awaited chance to confront deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein…
Exasperated nerds threaten to talk about history of Suriname until hockey fans shut up
OTTAWA ― With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, the Canadian Civil Organization of Nerds (CanCON) has warned that the usual non-stop talk about the NHL will be met with swift retaliation this year…
Vaccine-hesitant man now forced to pick from weird brands he’s never heard of
MOOSEJAW, SK — After months of hemming and hawing, local pipe-fitter Alvin Cummings finally booked his first-dose vaccination at a local clinic and upon arriving was dismayed to learn that they n…
