Real-life Garfield? This cat ate a lasagna and died

REGINA – Boris, an orange Persian cat, wowed his neighbourhood with his uncanny resemblance to Garfield by eating an entire lasagna before dying from diet-induced health issues. “Everyone loved t…

John Tory gets haircut after receiving assurance that homeless people will not be given the clippings for warmth

TORONTO – After many months of growing his hair out, Toronto mayor John Tory has finally gotten his hair trimmed after painstaking measures to ensure that the newly shorn locks will not be …

Coolest cousin ages into cautionary tale

WINNIPEG – This week 15 year old Adam Black was sad to realize that his favourite cousin James “DirtBag” Carl had aged from an ultra-cool-free-spirit hipster to an objectively sad and cauti…

Canada’s male Olympians dream of one day growing up to be as good as Canada’s female Olympians

TOKYO – The men representing Canada at the Tokyo Olympics have expressed their hope that, one day, they could be as good at their sports as the women representing Canada at the Tokyo Olympi…

Pickup trucks distance selves from Jason Kenney to maintain popularity

EDMONTON – After the publication of several news articles questioning the safety and utility of pickup trucks, Jason Kenney has publicly and loudly given his support to the large, popular v…

Anti-vaxxers celebrate killing more people than most dictators

Miami, Florida – With vaccination rates stalling across the developed world even as the Delta Variant kills thousands every day, the global anti-vaccine movement is celebrating the fact tha…

I’m the agent assigned to monitor your vaccine tracking chip and I’m bored as hell

By: Agent 361 Hi, I’m the agent who’s been assigned to monitor your every move since you received your covid-19 vaccine and, to be frank, I’m bored as shit. When your file first came across my de…

Canadian government releases PSA reintroducing the concept of time

Ottawa, ON – Following over a year of pandemic induced lockdown, a government PSA seeks to help Canadians rethink their relations to the fourth dimension.     “The first step is to re…

REPORT: Summer nights getting hotter in least horny way possible

WORLDWIDE – A recent report from Global Change Biology has confirmed that night-times are getting hotter on a global scale, but unfortunately not in a fun, sexy way. “We cannot stress enoug…

CBC forced to exclusively cover Cameroon’s Olympians after selecting wrong country in licensing menu

TOKYO – CBC reporters are rushing to familiarise themselves with the Cameroonian Olympic team after the broadcaster accidentally acquired the country’s rights. “And there’s Hortence Atangana, the…