OTTAWA – A report coming from the nation’s bathrooms and under the kitchen sinks have found that your plastic grocery bag is really excited to be used as a garbage bag.
“Mih Yinkd hahhs adsjj – Ptoo! Sorry, Q-tip in my mouth!,” began the off-green Loblaws plastic bag, from the garbage in the upstairs washroom. “What I was trying to say was: I think this is my true destiny. When I was younger, my parents told me that my one purpose in life was to be a vessel – to safely carry overpriced rapini and president’s choice bacon jam from the grocery store, to home. So colour me surprised, when suddenly I found myself lining a bathroom garbage! What euphoria! Look at me now, dad!”
According to a Sobey’s bag, they never thought they’d become a lining for an office poubelle. “When the cashier reached down to grab me from the lineup – I thought this is it. I’m a sweet unborn babe being sent down to Earth from heaven by this angel! I would have been content if it ended there but now, to house old highlighters and crumpled up divorce papers? This is my higher calling!”
The Sobey’s bag then went on to explain that being a grocery bag is more of an entry level position, while being a receptacle for garbage is more long term. “There is more job security. Sometimes you get two weeks – three if the person is disgusting. Plus, after they throw you out, you get to spend your retirement traveling the world, across Asia and the great Pacific Garbage Patch!”
A sturdy Foodland bags commented: “The name of the game is reputation. If you want to be garbage, you can’t be prone to tearing, like those Shoppers Drug Mart Bags or too rigid, like those stuck-up Longos. And don’t get me started with those flimsy, produce bags – honey, you’re useless! You’re the Michelle of plastic bags!”
In a lengthy interview with a Dollarama bag, from under the dark recesses of the kitchen sink, being too big is also undesirable. “Everytime I think it’s my turn to line the kitchen garbage bin, a new box of easy-tie ingénues stroll up!,” stated Dollarama, with a mouthful of bags. “They act like they run the place! Like they’re hot shit! Whenever they come around, it’s suddenly back of the cue for ‘ol dolly baggy!!”
“And do you know what it’s like to have the lifeless bodies of your own kin stewing in your mouth day-in-and-day-out!? It does things to you!!”
At press time, reusable bags are stoked about chilling in the trunk of your car. “It’s like living in a casket but, every so often, someone lifts the lid and peeks inside.”