OTTAWA – Following the announcement that he has tested positive a second time for COVID-19, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau informed Canadians that this will unfortunately preempt the week he had ...
Right-Wingers confident they have finally found the twitter hashtag that gets Trudeau to resign
OTTAWA – Right-wingers across the country are confident that, despite all previous 8,327 trending twitter hashtags failing to convince Justin Trudeau to resign, this next one will be the one tha...
“Thanks, it has pockets!” says God, talking about the universe
MILKY WAY – In a rare interview, God made a statement about how excited they were about the pockets in their universe. They then did a cute little twirl to show off said pockets, sending a few p...
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classic caf...
Half-hearted audience response kills Tinkerbell
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ONT. — A production of Peter Pan at the Shaw and Stratford Festival took an unexpected turn when the audience’s half-hearted applause failed to save the imperiled life of Tinkerbe...
Tragic! This woman still not picking up game as it goes along
Bad news, folks. Tiffany Crane reports that she still doesn’t understand how to play the fantasy TTRPG “Slay the Gauntlet” despite her boyfriend’s insistence that she’ll totally figure out the convolu...
5 Household chores better than social interaction
Life over the pandemic has been difficult… mostly because of other people. We all know what it feels like to get coughed on by an anti-masker on the subway, get into a fight with a coworker who ...
Local man still has no idea what Dad did for a living
TORONTO – 42-year-old Trey Martinez admits that after all these years, he still doesn’t understand exactly “what the hell [his] dad did as a career.” “It started back in grade 5 when my dad gave a “Ca...
Trudeau assures Canadians that airports will be fine once rampant inflation makes flying prohibitively expensive
OTTAWA – Seeking to ease Canadians fears that our airports are becoming chaotic hellscapes, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised that soon inflation will make travelling so expensive that airp...
Gary Bettman unveils route for this year’s ‘No Canadian Team Won The Cup’ victory parade
NEW YORK CITY – Smiling widely, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman showed reporters where the victory parade would be for his annual celebration of denying Canadian teams a Stanley Cup once again. &#...
