TORONTO – 42-year-old Trey Martinez admits that after all these years, he still doesn’t understand exactly “what the hell [his] dad did as a career.”
“It started back in grade 5 when my dad gave a “Career Day” talk to my class,” said Martinez, who notes he wasn’t the only one left scratching their head after his dad’s vague presentation. “I don’t think Ms. Barber knew what he did either between the frozen yogurt coupons he gave out and his bowline knot-tying demonstration.”
“Growing up, money was tight until junior high when Dad started bringing in the big bucks,” recalled Martinez. “It was right around the time I spotted him on a bus shelter advertisement wearing a 3-piece suit and a long white glove on one arm offering “equine insemination business solutions.”
“I asked him what ‘solutions’ meant, and he said ‘anything that eradicates attrition-focused liabilities which yield increased core competency efficiencies.’ What the fuck does that mean to a 14-year-old?
The mystery of his father’s employment continued into Martinez’s secondary school years. “I remember Dad would come home at 6pm for dinner smelling like varnish and human composting. Sometimes he wouldn’t even bother taking off his reflective vest and climbing spurs since he had to go right back to the tree farm afterwards.”
Trey’s mother, Ashley, recounts her husband’s work schedule. “It was typically 12 days on and 12 days off every other month with a swing shift on even days and working on-call on Mondays and Wednesdays as needed. There was also that one time he disappeared for 6 months. At least he brought us back souvenirs – I love my Hawaiian sarong and Chechnya rebel flag lapel pin!”
With his father’s retirement imminent, Martinez admits he “may never know exactly what were the dozens of jobs Dad worked and I’ve made peace with that.”
At press time, that short-lived peace was ripped away after his dad called him to show off a plaque gifted to him by his boss ‘commemorating 50 years of loyal service’.