“Not having kids is selfish” says man who lives alone in golden palace

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis has described people’s decisions to have pets instead of children as “selfish”, during a recent general audience in the opulent cathedral-like palace of which he…

Hero BlackBerry killed in action had one day left ‘til retirement

CALGARY – Local landscaper Peter Rugger announced today that his trusty BlackBerry device was killed in the line of duty after nearly twenty years of service and, tragically, with only one …

Republicans celebrate anniversary of insurrection by leaving AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man

Washington, DC – January 6th, 2022 marks one year since Donald Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building, rioting after Trump lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden. To celebrate, Republic…

Study: 80% of boomer advice just ‘suck it up buttercup’

HALIFAX – A recent study revealed that 80% of boomer advice is just the phrase “Suck it up, Buttercup.” Conducted over the last five years, the study found that the advice was applied no ma…

Kids returning to their virtual school classrooms find them smaller than they remembered

TORONTO – Wistful and nostalgic students returning to virtual school across the country were surprised to find their old classrooms were smaller than they seemed in previous years. “Man, th…

Sunwing criticized for not making emergency release of drunken, maskless passengers at 35,000 feet

MONTREAL – Federal officials have blasted Sunwing airlines for not making an emergency release of its unruly and maskless passengers on a chartered flight from Montreal to Cancun. The trave…

Local cellphone loves lying about how much battery is left

KITIMAT, BC – A cellphone owned by local Elaine Jorgensen takes great delight in deceiving its owner in how much battery power remains by shutting off at the worst time possible, regardless…

Ford: This was a hard decision that we refused to make until the very last minute

TORONTO – After cancelling school classes for another two weeks less than two days before they were set to resume, Ontario Premier Doug Ford said it was a very difficult decision he could h…

Hockey fan called a hero after noticing Habs are bad at hockey

MONTREAL – A quick-thinking hockey fan is being praised as a hero after informing the Montreal Canadiens that the team is bad at playing hockey. Long-time Habs fan Patrick Martin quickly no…

Workplace reminds you mental health comes first unless it impedes productivity

MONTREAL – Earlier this week tech start-up Fraggle sent a company-wide email reminding employees that mental health always comes first unless it impedes their productivity or makes their co…