TORONTO – The Delta and Omicron variants are reportedly upset that they had to deal with the provincial government’s rules and regulations, whereas the younger XE subvariant gets to run wild without any restrictions whatsoever.
“The province was always trying to control me!” said Delta, the eldest Covid variant. “People had to wear masks, wash their produce, and even double up on vaccines. I had no frickin’ fun!”.
“And when the government suspended in-person learning, I had to miss out on all sorts of formative experiences like field trips, parent teacher nights, and turning a lunchtime bake sale into a horrific super spreader event. That’s like the whole point of high school!”
“I’d call it helicopter parenting except I was also banned from air travel.”
Omicron, the Covid-19 variant who arrived shortly after Delta, recalled the days when a virus had to sneak past strict testing guidelines in order to have any semblance of a life.
“It’s honestly insulting. People had to test constantly to stop me from sneaking out to parties,” Omicron continued, “but XE wants to go Coachella and suddenly the only test it has to pass is the vibe check? Ridiculous!”
Delta was quick to accuse Omicron of still having way more freedom than themselves, but Omicron reminded the older variant that they were constantly grounded, on and off, in seemingly random spurts of lockdowns, only to be released once the province completely forgot about them. “It was classic middle child syndrome.”
“Listen, everyone knows that when you’ve had a few variants, you just don’t have the energy to be strict anymore,” stated Joan Marsh, a provincial MLA. “Plus, your first variant is always your practice variant. Everyone knows that.”
The two elder variants were certain to point out that, when it comes down to it, their grievances have nothing to do with jealousy. “We’re just concerned that the province isn’t thinking about poor little XE at all.”
“Things may have been difficult for us, but at least our lack of freedom meant someone cared.”
At press time, the XE subvariant was reportedly hanging out with their latest group of sketchy friends that the province seemingly takes no issue with: convoy truckers, antivaxxers, and people who say, “Covid? Is that still a thing?”.