Ontario opens restaurants to everyone who isn’t immunocompromised or a parent of young kids

ONTARIO – Doug Ford’s government has finally brought to an end the province’s vaccine mandates for restaurants, allowing everyone to once again enjoy dining at the province̵…

Climate Change considering makeover to stand out amongst shiny new calamities

NEW YORK – A dire new report released by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) on the horrific effects of the climate crisis has been swiftly overshadowed by news about the R…

Inventor of the children’s toy Slime thrown in jail for 34 consecutive life sentences

LOS ANGELES – Chemist/Toy Inventor George Earnshaw, the inventor of the children’s toy Slime, has been sentenced to 34 consecutive life sentences for ruining countless lives and rugs around…

Ukrainian President achieves incredible feat of making being a comedian look cool

KYIV — After bravely turning down an evacuation offer from the U.S. in order to fight for his country’s freedom and quickly gaining a reputation as a defiant, inspiring leader, former comic…

Vaccine Hunters Canada pivots to searching for PS5s

NATIONWIDE – Canadian heroes Vaccine Hunters Canada have changed their twitter mission, this time in search of PlayStation 5s. “Vaccine Hunters Canada was born out of an urgent need to provide Ca…

Putin treats himself to a few war crimes he’s had his eye on

MOSCOW – Following yet another exhausting year of ruling with brutal autocracy, Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly decided to reward himself with a few war crimes – namel…

Trudeau lifts Emergencies Act, says situation on Monday has completely changed because now it’s Wednesday

OTTAWA – After spending Monday arguing that the Emergencies Act needed to be continued because the convoy-related emergency was still ongoing, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has now revoked …

Terrible cafe no longer able to blame lockdown for failing business

Etobicoke, ON – As capacity limits and other public health limits are lifted throughout Ontario, the owners of Geralds Koffee Korner are no longer able to blame lockdowns for their complete…

How being better than me is bullying

By: Bryler Chadwick I used to have to leave my house to feel bad about myself. But now that all you bullies can attack me with posts of your promotions, life events, and sun-drenched getaways wit…

Scientists finally decipher language Eddie Vedder sings in

SEATTLE, WA — University of Washington scientists have deciphered the language Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder has been singing in for the past 32 years. Named “Project Throat Noise”,…