HAMILTON, ON – According to a new study from McMaster University, half of all home exercise is begging the family dog to leave you alone while you still have the will to move.
One participant, Andrew McPatrick, confirms the findings, “When I do my workouts, I like to be at home, close to my family and my PS4. But every time I do a pushup, Shadow climbs on my head. When I do jumping jacks, he runs between my feet. I’d be swol if he’d just lie down.”
The results were consistent across breeds and exercise types. Whether their owners did Tai Chi or Tae Bo, dogs were thrilled to take part in anything that wasn’t sitting on the couch.
“We have the best time!” says Pickles, a local cockapoo. “My person starts Zumba, then I jump on her, then she pushes me away, then I come back. You get it; it’s a whole bff thing. Her yelling at me is part of the game. I do the same when she’s naked with her man friend. It’s great!”
The study did include other pets – cats, guinea pigs, raccoons – but results showed they preferred to watch their owners exercise from a distance.
“He looks ridiculous,” laughs Glubbie, one participant’s goldfish. “I’m pretty sure he’s trying to attract a mate, which is hilarious. No amount of planks are going to help this man. He paid real money to do goat yoga last week, and now he’s yelling at Murphy for standing on him. It’s pathetic.”
Despite harassment from pets, the findings showed no increase in the desire for gym memberships. Participants reported contentment in being able to say they tried.
At press time, Benji, co-star of Yoga with Adriene, referenced McMaster’s study in a tweet that went viral: “This is exactly the kind of research that breeds harmful stereotypes. #NotAllDogs #FindWhatFeelsGood”. The university has yet to respond.