New York Times reports “Prime Minister Bonhomme orders Mounties to open fire on protestors in Celine Dion Square”
NEW YORK – Following this week’s police action in the capital city, the New York Times has reported that Canada’s head of state, the honorable Prime Minister Bonhomme, declared martial law …
Police worried crackdowns on convoys will hinder their ability to recruit from the lunatic fringe
OTTAWA – Police departments across Canada are concerned that their mild efforts to arrest the anti-vaccine and anti-government protesters who’ve disrupted Canadian society for the last thre…
Jailed Ottawa protestors offer to co-run prison with warden
OTTAWA, ON – Several arrested protestors from the downtown occupation have offered to co-run the prison where they are being held. The prisoners have released a “Declaration of Understandin…
Person who does not live in Ottawa sympathizes with protesters
UXBRIDGE, ON – A non-Ottawa resident is calling on police to stop the removal of Freedom Convoy protesters currently occupying downtown Ottawa. In a 500 word Facebook post, Ann Martin of Ux…
Family of NFT enthusiast just wish he’d go back to cult
VANCOUVER – Family members of Adam Newsom, 27, have reportedly become nostalgic for the days when all he talked about was his cult, as opposed to his current obsession of NFTs. “I remember …
“Thank Christ, we needed this” says nation
BEIJING – The Canadian women’s hockey team has won the Olympic gold medal, prompting an exhausted nation to declare “Holy fucking shit, thank you.” “Between two and a half years of COVID and all …
Award-winning death metal band turns out to be dishwasher full of old nails
STOCKHOLM – Fans of the Swedish death metal band Malfunctioning Whirlpool were shocked to discover that the hit musical group is actually nothing more than recordings of an old dishwasher r…
Negotiating with the convoy may have legitimized them, but at least it accomplished absolutely nothing
By: Jim Watson, Mayor of Ottawa I understand many Ottawa residents and Canadians as a whole were angered by my decision to negotiate with the convoy leaders, because it signified them as a legiti…
Opinion: I didn’t get it at first but once you start fucking Pete Davidson it totally makes sense
LOS ANGELES – By 2025, the World Health Organization predicts 80 percent of the world’s population will have contracted COVID-19, and 91 percent will have fucked Pete Davidson. I fucked Pe…
