LONDON, UK — After numerous calls for his resignation, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has finally stumbled out of the Conservative Party despite not understanding what he did to piss everyone off.
Tory ministers have been urging Boris Johnson to resign as Prime Minister, but Johnson held strong like the worst guy at a uni party staying until the wee hours of the next morning.
Though Johnson has resigned as leader of the Conservative Party, he maintains he is still the life of that (and indeed, every) party. “I’ve done nothing but good as Prime Minister. I took Britain out of the incredibly boring European Union, I reopened the nightclubs as soon as possible during the COVID-19 pandemic, and I threw some epic ragers at my house. I’m a great hang!”
Despite mass resignations from Tory ministers and cratering approval ratings from the public, Johnson wouldn’t take the hint that everyone wants him to go away. He has instead continued to hang around the Palace of Westminster – red solo cup in hand – giving his own resignation speech to anyone who has the misfortune to accidentally make eye contact with him.
“I think it’s hard for Johnson to admit that no one wants him anymore,” said Ashley Southgate, a political science professor at the University of Oxford. “Which is strange, because you’d think living an entire lifetime as Boris Johnson would’ve taught him how to accept people not wanting him around.”
“That whole ‘brash clown’ persona is fun for about a minute, but it gets old really fast. Now he’s changed tack and is offering to help clean up, but everyone knows he’s not going to do a thing to improve the mess he made,” Southgate continued. “You don’t expect the guy who vomited in the punch bowl to be all that much help when it comes time to tidy up.”
At press time, Boris Johnson was seen promising “one last blowout at 10 Downing Street” once he finds his keys or someone inside agrees to let him back in.