TORONTO – Rogers Canada has proudly announced that all of their customers nationwide who experienced cellphone and internet outages yesterday will only be charged a low $10 service charge for the telcom company’s new “Unplug and Relax” feature.
“Our modern connected world is hectic, and that’s why it’s important to take a break once in a while, ideally for 11 or so hours, whether you want to or not,” explained Rogers President & CEO Tony Staffieri.
“We here at Rogers are proud to have offered Canadians that mental wellness respite yesterday, for the low low price of $10 which will be added to all of your invoices in the coming months,” Staffieri added.
The unannounced “Unplug and Relax” service break snarled internet communications, interac pay systems, and 911 services across much of Canada for the bulk of Friday. Still, Rogers executives maintain that this was actually an “outage-tunity” which they offered to customers, in order to focus on the things that are truly important in life.
“Thanks to our new ‘Unplug and Relax’ promotion, only $10.00 on your monthly bill plus HST, Rogers customers had nearly 12 hours of uninterrupted time to reflect on the truly crucial questions in life,” explained Kye Prigg, Rogers’ senior vice-president of access networks and operations.
“Questions like, ‘Is it a good thing to allow 3 giant telecom monopolies to control this much of Canada’s infrastucture?’, ‘Without phone or email how do I contact my mother to be sure she’s taking her insulin?’, or ‘What was it like to masturbate before Pornhub?’
Prigg then reminded Rogers customers that the $10.00 Unplug and Relax service fee will be due immediately, before interest charges begin to apply.
Rogers insiders say that the brilliant Unplug and Relax promotional feature would not have been possible without the hard work of Rogers technicians, as well as the $85 million in pandemic subsidies that allowed for company stock buybacks and “streamlining” layoffs.
As to when future Unplug and Relax “digital staycations” will take place, Staffieri was coy.
“It’s no good to announce ahead of time when a digital detox is coming,” Staffieri noted, “but our customers can rest assured that even if their service goes down, the invoices we charge them for it will still arrive promptly on time.”