STUDY: 50% of home workouts spent telling dog to go lie down

HAMILTON, ON – According to a new study from McMaster University, half of all home exercise is begging the family dog to leave you alone while you still have the will to move.  One particip…

Report: Team that lost in 7 to Stanley Cup finalist must be blown up, team that lost in 4 to other finalist in great shape

DENVER – As the Stanley Cup Finals kicks off in Denver hockey experts agree that the Edmonton Oilers, who were swept by the finalist Avs, are ready to make a great run next year while the T…

Local gay finally able to cross the street after town paints rainbow crosswalk

JUBILEE, ONT. — After years of only being able to walk on the north side of Main Street, noted homosexual Robert Huxley is at long last able to see what the other side of the road is like.  “I wa…

With vaccine mandates lifted, most annoying relative now able to make family reunion

OSHAWA, ON – As Canada’s federal government lifts COVID-19 vaccine mandates for domestic travel, allowing unvaccinated people on planes and trains, everyone’s least favorite uncle, Ga…

New Grand Theft Auto game allows players to make website that rates women, destabilizes democracy for profit

NEW YORK – Rockstar Games has announced their next instalment of the successful Grand Theft Auto video game series will allow players to create a website that rates the attractiveness of wo…

Rogers family commemorates loss of matriarch with 3 day long service outage

TORONTO – Following the passing of family matriarch and telecom director Loretta Rogers, at age 83, Rogers Communications announced today they will be honouring her memory with a 3 day long…

“Sorry my place is so messy!” says friend whose floor is cleaner than your only plate

KINGSTON, ON – In a moment that could only be described as “a heartbreaking revelation of her own filth,” local woman Amanda Gessele was welcomed into the home of college friend Suzanne Tuf…

Every garage sale in neighbourhood full of lightly used podcasting equipment

EDMONTON – According to local sources in an Edmonton suburb, every garage sale being held this year has contained piles of near mint condition podcasting equipment. “I’ve been hoping to score som…

Trudeau contracts COVID-19 again: “And this was the week I was gonna do electoral reform, too”

OTTAWA – Following the announcement that he has tested positive a second time for COVID-19, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau informed Canadians that this will unfortunately preempt the week he…

Right-Wingers confident they have finally found the twitter hashtag that gets Trudeau to resign

OTTAWA – Right-wingers across the country are confident that, despite all previous 8,327 trending twitter hashtags failing to convince Justin Trudeau to resign, this next one will be the on…