“First we let them do whatever they wanted to lull them into a false sense of security,” a police spokesman said. “Then seditious elements within our ranks began leaking information to make them feel even more secure. A few weeks later and bam! We gently shooed them away.”
While critics of the police’s “good cop, seditionist cop” strategy argue that it empowered the protestors to harass and intimidate citizens, the spokesman responded by saying that giving valuable information to criminals is a tried and true policing strategy.
“Take, for example, an interaction we had with a protester who wouldn’t stop honking their horn all night,” the spokesman said. “First, a friendly officer established a rapport with them. Then an anti-government extremist officer gave them the home addresses of Liberal cabinet members. By building trust, their refusal to comply with our request was really polite.”
A legal representative for the convoy claimed the protesters also received inside information from the OPP, RCMP, and CSIS, all of which brilliantly employed their criminal sympathisers.
“When people illegally occupying the downtown core threaten to murder the Deputy Prime Minister, our first step is to reach out to them and deescalate, and our second step is to encourage them to really crank it back up,” an OPP spokeswoman said. “It’s all part of the subtle dance that is law enforcement.”
As part of this strategy, it was common for good cops to gently inform protesters that they might eventually face legal consequences. Seditionist cops would then tell protesters they would face no charges if they held the line and forced a regime change, but would instead be celebrated as heroes while Justin Trudeau was tried for his crimes.
“Sometimes you can only outsmart a criminal by thinking like a criminal,” the spokesman said. “Some clever officers just took the next logical step.”
At press time, the OPS spokesman made the next move in this elaborate chess match by getting called before the inquiry to testify as a convoy participant.