Colgate unveils new sensitivity-increasing toothpaste for nasty little freaks

MANHATTAN — Oral hygiene giant Colgate-Palmolive has announced a new line of sensitivity-increasing toothpastes designed to cater to the needs of fucked-up little pain goblins everywhere. Colgate…

Trudeau promises to continue timing Canadian laws with American tragedies

OTTAWA – After recently announcing passage of a host of new gun control laws in the wake of the deadly Uvalde, Texas school shooting, and re-affirming Canada’s support of legal abortion aft…

So-called reusable bag doesn’t even last 10,000 years at bottom of ocean

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5 Father’s Day gifts that scream, “Go to therapy, for the love of God!”

There’s no shortage of Father’s Day gifts out there that say “you’re the best!”, “#1 Dad!”, and “[golf pun]”! But where are you supposed to find a gift that says “please feel your feelings”?  Loo…

Report: Couple posting photos all the time super happy, nothing wrong

VANCOUVER, BC – A recent report has concluded that couple Akhil Mangal and Mateo Burattii, who frequently post photos together, are super happy and nothing is wrong with their relationship.…

Kardashian under fire after using Shroud of Turin as makeup sponge

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – The world’s most famous influencer, law student, and vessel through which Kris Jenner’s business aptitude flows has run into yet another controversy. Earlier this week, …

“If gas prices are hurting your wallet so bad, why don’t you just buy a $45,000.00 electric car?” asks very helpful friend

Timmins, ON – After you mentioned how gas prices were making it impossible for you to get by financially, your very helpful and knowledgeable friend Darren suggested buying an expensive ele…

Pervert time traveller reports that your grandpa was hung

OTTAWA – A time traveller from the 25th century has reported that your grandfather packed some serious equipment and knew just how to use it. “I’m sure you only thought of your grandpa as a dodde…

Dads everywhere emerge from 8-month hibernation for lawn mowing season

RICHMOND, BC – It’s that time of year again – dads across the country have awoken from their long winter’s naps to gripe about how overgrown their lawns have gotten. Local graphic des…

Toronto police ask for budget increase to more equitably beat up residents

TORONTO – Following newly revealed statistics proving that Toronto Police Services uses force against BIPOC residents far more often than it does white ones, Chief James Ramer has asked the…