SUMMERSIDE – A Covid-19 wave has washed over Prince Edward Island, leaving one in twenty-five Islanders–or four individual people–currently Covid-positive.
“For a long time, we were doing pretty well here,” said the Province’s Chief Medical Officer and high school science teacher Darren Wentz. “We didn’t have any cases for months, but then the law of small numbers meant when Paula came back from Costco on the mainland and she tested positive? Well that put us tops in the country!”
The surge continued later that week when Paula, thinking she was better because her fever had gone away, took her mom to Bingo. “Ma’s boostered up the arse so she’s alright but Jim and I got fresh waiting for the legion bathroom and I think I gave it to him via oral delivery if you c my d.”
Big Jim told a similar story. “Look for the record, Paula’s a big liar and we never got fresh. We just hugged a little and she had a sip of my Bogside, no biggee. But yeah then I went home and felt like the arse end of an arse so I went over to my neighbour Ricky for an Advil and he was like: get the hell outta here Typhoid Dipshit whattaya think you’re doing? But it was too late then.”
We were unable to speak with Ricky but can report a sign reading “Big Jim’s a Skeet Idiot” has been erected outside his residence. The province hit new highs with a fourth active Covid case when local MLA Jim Collins came down positive for reasons he can’t legally confirm.
“Can’t confirm but we all know it was Goddamn Big Jim again! Came sniffing around my house asking for chicken soup like I’m the cursed-ass Tim Hortons Drive Through. Man’s a menace. When you see him next, tell him I’m getting “Big Jim Can Fuck Himself” read into the Provincial Hansard on Monday and if he wants to attend he can damn well Zoom it!”
Early reports indicate that the Province’s Covid Rate could run as high as 50% if any of the kids in Jim’s hockey league come back positive. This would likely shock the Island’s economy to a degree unseen since that one Needs store closed down in Alberton.