KAMLOOPS, BC – Gas station worker Martin Kowalski, who has often been described as “creepy and probably murderous” by locals, has been growing concerned lately that teenagers passing through aren…
Local
Trick-or-Treaters expect at least full size chocolate bar from $2 million home
PELHAM, ON – Local trick-or-treaters are expecting a big payout from a recently constructed $2 million home in a well-off neighbourhood with a minimum expectation of a full size chocolate b…
6 year old hopes everyone gets that his Halloween costume is supposed to be Darth Vader wearing a winter coat
Sault Ste. Marie, ON- Grade one student, Charlie Jacobs of Little Oak Elementary, has released a statement confirming that his Halloween costume this year is in fact Darth Vader wearing a winter …
Local woman deletes Tinder for the last time for the fifth time this year
TORONTO – Yesterday, Mandy Timmins triumphantly announced to her family, friends, and coworkers that she had just removed the Tinder app from her phone for what she promised will be “the last tim…
“The trick is confidence” says man who has never contributed anything useful to society
OTTAWA — Despite failing to contribute anything useful to society, Tom Phillips, 32, has said to anyone listening, that the secret to all success in life is merely “confidence”. “You gotta walk i…
Intellectual instantly creates opinion from headline
THE INTERNET – Not letting irrelevant distractions like nuanced reporting or context interfere, a local free thinker on Twitter was able to demonstrate superior intellectual ability today b…
Local stepdad doesn’t want to come down on you but
OTTAWA – Local stepfather Greg McKay, 45, doesn’t want to harsh your buzz, but has a few things he’d like to rap with you about, sources claim. “Got a minute, champ?” said Greg in an attempt to s…
“Does a bear shit in the woods?” asks man who really wishes someone would just tell him already
CAPE BRETON, NS – Frank Thompson has spent his entire life searching for the answer to a question that no one in his life is willing to answer, no matter how many times he asks: whether or not a …
Couple give dignified human name to puppy, name baby something fucking weird
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Proud local couple Vincent and Christina Hull recently revealed on social media the name of their new puppy, Jessica, as well as the name of their newborn daughter, Champyo…
High schooler discovers having camp girlfriend holds no currency
HAMILTON, ON — Chase Wintermen, 15, has quickly realized upon beginning high school that getting to third base with his summer camp girlfriend “means absolutely nothing to anyone̶…
