TORONTO – Yesterday afternoon, David Watts and Reggie Gormley were arrested and jailed after abducting 25-year-old Kaylyn Wilkins from her farm the night before and bringing her into the city. Their true crime, however, was that although they succeeded in taking the girl out of the country, they made the crucial mistake of not taking the country out of the girl.
Constable Mark Johanssen was the one who made the arrest and had harsh words to say about the two felons.
“Listen, this kind of thing is unacceptable,” he fumed, after listening to the abductee threaten revenge via ‘raising a little hell’ for the past hour. “If you’re going to go to all the trouble to steal a girl off her farm in Southwestern Ontario, then you need to make sure she hasn’t brought her guitar along with her! I’ve been listening to her sing about her trucks for five hours now. How does a person even own five trucks?”
Watts and Gormley admitted that while they had made a desperate effort to urbanize Kaylyn during her brief sojourn in the big city, ultimately her country roots proved too strong for them.
“She overheard us talking about her ransom price,” Watts recounted from behind the bars of his cell, “and told us that she was worth at least a two-four of Miller Lite. I’ve never even heard of that. Is it a special craft beer? Is it organic? I suggested a hoppy IPA from Blood Brothers, but she just threw her cowboy hat at me.”
Beside him, Gormley shook his head in disbelief. “As a criminal, I never thought I’d get tired of hearing about guns, but she wouldn’t shut up about the annual turkey shoot she was missing. I wanted to bring her back, but by that point we were already on the highway. Next time, we’re kidnapping someone who doesn’t try to dance in the back of the getaway truck.”
Kaylyn declined to answer questions about her ordeal, but did state publicly that she was “as mad as a John Deere tractor is sexy.”