KAMLOOPS, BC – Gas station worker Martin Kowalski, who has often been described as “creepy and probably murderous” by locals, has been growing concerned lately that teenagers passing through aren’t paying enough attention to his warnings that the cabin up the road is haunted.
“I don’t know why they won’t listen to me,” he said, picking his teeth with a bone he found on the ground to make himself more presentable. “I try to tell them they’ll only find misery and death 25 kilometres up ol’ Black Manor road, but they always just hightail it out of here without even so much as a ‘Thanks for the tip, buddy!’”
“I’m always so sad to read their inevitable obituaries in the paper,” he said, wiping a tear away with a handkerchief spotted in blood from an injured puppy he had helped earlier that morning. “Maybe I’m just not being emphatic enough? I’ll try really yelling at them next time. That’ll work for sure.”
Kowalski’s wife Sandra explained that the rash of preventable supernatural murders were weighing on her husband’s sensitive soul.
“If they just stopped and talked to him, all this horror could be avoided,” she exclaimed angrily. “Instead, they only say things like ‘Is that guy drooling?’ and ‘Why is he holding a pitchfork?’ How judgmental! They don’t even know about his muscle spasms and side hustle as a hardworking farmer. Just once, I wish they could see him as I do: a gentle man with a love of collecting animal skulls.”
One such teen, Whitney Chawla, had miraculously survived her recent stay in the cabin. She spoke with regret about ignoring the attendant’s helpful advice.
“I was too busy staring at the pet rat he was petting to listen to him,” she sobbed. “Maybe if I had, all my friends wouldn’t have been buried under the lake by the ghost of a murdered witch. I’d send him a thank-you card, but Google Maps says his gas station has been abandoned for 50 years.”
According to sources, Kowalski was hand-sewing a cheery clown outfit to wear in order to put people more at ease when they stopped by his station.