HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sor…
Health
Bank CEO reassures worried Canadians: “I’m going to be okay”
TORONTO – As the economic impact of the COVID-19 crisis devastates Canadian household finances, Royal Bank President and CEO David McKay reassured the nation: “I want you all to know in this diff…
2020’s hottest workout trend: listless pacing
The world may have stopped in the face of COVID-19, but your fitness journey doesn’t have to! 2020’s hottest health trend is here, and it’s called listless pacing. Wait, WTF is LP? Think pacing, …
Health Canada asks Canadians to at least brush their teeth, for God’s sake
OTTAWA – Amid the current worldwide shutdown leading to the majority of Canadian citizens practicing self-isolation in their homes, Health Canada has urged people to at the very least consider br…
Local woman lowers ‘Live Laugh Love’ poster to half-mast
RIVERVIEW, NB – As COVID-19 projections predict mandated self isolation to remain in effect for several more months, local resident Helen De Angelo has lowered her Live Laugh Love poster t…
Nation’s high school dance chaperones bravely volunteer to enforce social distancing
OTTAWA – Responding to an urgent need, high school dance chaperones from across the country have bravely volunteered to ensure that Canadians everywhere remain at least two metres apart fro…
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees st…
Governments anxiously await modelling to predict when they can resume cutting health budgets
TORONTO – Governments from across Canada and around the world have been anxiously awaiting predictive modelling that will give an educated guess of when they can resume gutting the public h…
Government attempts to stop coronavirus by outlawing communal worship of deity who created virus
OTTAWA – The government of Canada is officially ordering all Canadians to do their part to stop the spread of the deadly novel coronavirus by ceasing any and all worship of the divine entit…
Disney World employee just now realizing he forgot to put food down for Goofy before he locked up
ORLANDO, FL – A Disney World employee is in hot water after realizing he locked up for quarantine without leaving food down for Goofy. “Bob (Chapek, fmr. Director of Disney Parks) had creat…