KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguished reputation of the drunk community.
Boozehounds from across the country were shocked that some of their community members were taking needless risks while intoxicated, a side-effect of alcohol they’ve never seen before.
“I only get into fist fights with people in my social bubble,” said one inebriated gentleman trying to keep his balance. “Being drunk is not an excuse to disregard social distancing rules. This is a pandemic and everyone, including us drinkers, have a respon…respon..responsibility.”
As many provinces opt to reopen pool halls, pubs, and other liquor establishments, government officials are confident that those half-in-the-bag or completely shitfaced will do the right thing like remembering to wash their hands.
“The majority of us are just trying to have a good time binge drinking through our face masks,” said a wine-swilling woman on her 5th glass of rose.
At press time, drunk community members are hoping to regain society’s confidence in their ability to drive.
