Between work, home, exercise, and family, sometimes it seems like there’s just not enough hours in the day! But one man is pushing his productivity to the max with an exciting new lifehack –…
Business
Customers pleasantly surprised to learn Subway chicken has 50% poultry DNA
TORONTO – Regular patrons of Subway restaurant were ‘delighted’ by the results of a CBC Marketplace investigation released last week that revealed that some of the food chain’s sandwi…
In effort to keep up with climate change, Canada Goose releases new line of fur-trimmed tank tops
TORONTO – After one of the warmest winters on record, the Canadian luxury parka manufacturer Canada Goose has pivoted into the burgeoning fur-lined tank top market. “Yes, climate change is …
Revolutionary new management book uses metaphor to explain management
VANCOUVER – Business luminaries the world over have been heaping praise on a new book entitled A Zebra on the Ladder, which is the first ever volume to teach managerial skills and philosoph…
Tim Hortons employees completely unaware of what’s on menu
BURLINGTON, ON – Several customers were forced to leave a Tim Hortons hungry yesterday after staff of the coffee shop admitted that none of them had any idea what was on the menu. Like many…
The Beaverton launches crowdfunding campaign to finance investigative report on why Ezra Levant is such a fuckface
Dear Readers, What the fuck is wrong with Ezra Levant? After the terrorist attack on a Quebec City mosque resulted in the arrest of a lone gunman, Alexandre Bissonette – a noted white natio…
McDonald’s unveils all-day breakfast in Canada to stress-test healthcare system
TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selectio…
Canadian banks now charging $3.50 for every button you press on an ATM
TORONTO – Canada’s largest banks are now charging a $3.50 fee for every button that is pressed on any bank machine. RBC, TD, BMO, ScotiaBank and CIBC claim that the new ‘digit service fee’ …
Air Canada unveils new oxygen mask fee
“Passengers are welcome to forgo the fee and simply pass out.” New episode of The Beaverton this Wednesday at 10pm EST on Comedy!…
Ultra-hip new restaurant revealed to be just stalled escalator
TORONTO—An “amazing” new restaurant which has been delighting patrons since its surprise opening two weeks ago has been revealed to be merely a stalled escalator in the middle of a downtown comme…
