SEATTLE — Online retailing giant Amazon (TSX: AMZN-Q) announced this week plans to acquire supermarket chain Whole Foods (TSX: WFM-Q) in what company spokesman Larry Wilson acknowledged is an attempt to corner the global market on upper-middle class white people.
“If there’s one thing socioeconomically advantaged caucasians love more than paying $26 for a head of kale,” explained Wilson, “it’s doing so from the privacy of their homes, isolated from the crushing burden of interacting with other human beings, or having to contemplate the effects their shopping choices have on those people’s livelihoods.”
Wilson was quick to add that, while acquiring the “Volvo of supermarkets” certainly positions his corporation as the prime target of rich white people’s not-that-hard-earned dollars, by no means is Amazon finished in its quest to win the eternal loyalty of everyone who watched Frasier.
“Without divulging too much, I can say that we’re currently in negotiations to purchase NPR, Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the concept of brunch, the collected works of Lena Dunham, and the entire state of Vermont,” he revealed. “We’re even working with the governing bodies of soccer, basketball, and hockey to buy exclusive rights to assists.”
Still, while Wilson is confident of Amazon’s chances of securing a monopoly on white people sooner rather than later, he’s hesitant to handicap the company’s odds of establishing a similar foothold among people of color.
Offered Wilson, “People of what now?”