TORONTO – The Ontario government announced its new plan to blame the federal government in the event that their plan to reopen schools during a pandemic backfires. “Parents will know that i…
Police in Niagara-on-the-Lake investigate drive-by hooting
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB. Locals became suspicious of the …
WE charity sends Trudeau, Morneau on volunteer trip to Guatemala to self-discover ethics
GUATEMALA CITY – WE Charity is sending Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and Finance Minister Bill Morneau on a volunteer trip to help the poor, explore new cultures, and self-discover their et…
Outbreaks at bars, parties tarnish otherwise impeccable reputation of drunk people
KELOWNA, BC – Recent spikes in COVID-19 cases attributed to bars, large parties, and other social gatherings involving the imbibing of massive amounts of alcohol have damaged the distinguis…
Alberta government sets up border checkpoints to screen for fleeing doctors
EDMONTON – Premier Jason Kenney has announced border checkpoints to screen for any physicians trying to leave the province. Police and provincial officials have set up roadblocks at every b…
Enlightened Edmonton CFL team discovers that money is more important than being racist
EDMONTON – The Edmonton Eskimos will change its name after the team’s corporate leadership discovered that having money is more important than being racist. In the wake of sponsors threaten…
New mask exemption card indicates medical condition of being an asshole
TORONTO – A new card circulating throughout Canada claims to exempt people from mandatory face masks due to their medical condition of being a selfish asshole. The new designation indicates…
Report: Cargo ship captain distracted by the awe-inspiring beauty of Welland
WELLAND – Two cargo ships collided in the Welland Canal after a captain was bedazzled by the sight and tremendous beauty of the City of Welland. “They call this utopia the ‘Rose City,’” sai…
Only Canadian who supports reopening US border catapulted across Detroit River
WINDSOR – The only Canadian who responded ‘yes’ to an Nanos poll on whether Canada should reopen the Canada-US border for non-essential travel has been promptly ejected from the country via…
