BOSTON, MA – The Canadian men’s hockey team has successfully seized the 4 Nations hockey championship from their American opponents, completing their annexation of the trophy nearly halfway throu…
Curling ad contains over two seconds of sizzling action
OTTAWA – Television viewers across the country have been wowed by a 30 second curling commercial that contains nearly 2.5 seconds of intense curling action. “I always thought curling was just an …
Canadian hockey fans prepare to call the 4 Nations Face-Off a brilliant idea or some made-up bullshit depending on whether we win
MONTREAL – As Team Canada gets set to play its first game in the inaugural 4 Nations Face-Off, fans across the country are ready to either celebrate a generation-defining victory or dismiss a tot…
5 ways to eroticise Groundhog Day because you’re busy on Valentine’s
The most romantic day of the year is almost here, but what if you’re busy this Valentine’s Day? Don’t start preparing for divorce court just yet; with a little planning and the right attitude, Gr…
China’s new and cheaper magic beans shock America’s unprepared magic bean salesmen
NEW YORK CITY – America’s magic bean market is in turmoil after a Chinese company unveiled a competing bean that’s less than one tenth the price but still just as useless. “DeepBean’s new beans o…
Problematic but brilliant doctor who plays by his own rules will put your new liver where he damn well pleases
TORONTO – Renegade doctor Lance Falcon is shocking the medical establishment with his brilliant but wildly unorthodox thoughts on where your new liver should go, according to dazzled reporters. “…
Trudeau immediately begs for job back after realising he’ll need to buy a house
OTTAWA – Just hours after announcing he was stepping down as Liberal Party leader and prime minister, Justin Trudeau was begging for the job back after spending 10 minutes browsing the Ottawa hou…
Dunderheaded ant taking inefficient route to crumb
CALGARY – Reports from the Calloway household indicate that a local ant is taking a pointlessly circuitous route to a tasty chocolate chip cookie crumb. “He rounded the knife block twice, and the…
Pizza Pizza gives man diarrhea diarrhea
TORONTO – Local jeweler Jason Jackson has eaten a bad Pizza Pizza pizza, according to cub cuisine columnist Ms. Chris Swiss. “I work all the time, and then I had to work overtime, so I just want…
Corrupt Federal Body Inspector busted
OTTAWA – Officials from the Federal Body Inspection agency have announced that Special Agent Bradley Carmichael has been stripped of his rank and discharged after being enmeshed in a corruption s…
