CALGARY – Wednesday night’s instalment of the longform improv comedy show, Lazer Slacks, was universally praised as “alright”, “satisfactory”, and “about what I expected”, according to the …
Conservative prostitution bill C-36 defines sex as gross, terrifying
OTTAWA – Bill C-36, the Conservative government’s proposed prostitution bill, will seek to define sex as “gross,” “terrifying” and “something only mommies and daddies should do when a…
DNA tests ‘prove’ that Jack the Ripper was a super weird dude
LONDON – Following years of DNA testing on one of the only surviving pieces of physical evidence, British scientists have conclusively determined that notorious serial murderer Jack the Rip…
COUNTERPOINT: I thought I was Minister of Veteran Affairs, not Minister of Crybaby Affairs
BY: HON JULIAN FANTINO, MINISTER OF VETERAN AFFAIRS It is critical to provide veterans with the facts about the benefits and services that are available to them so they may get the help they need…
Wal-Mart advertises new price, worker benefit rollbacks
BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS – In an effort to engage consumers, Wal-Mart has begun advertising rollbacks in employee health benefits and wages in their weekly flyers. “At Walmart, our associates pride …
World’s nations ask if it’s too late to boycott Sochi Olympics
WASHINGTON – In response to increased Russian support of Ukrainian rebels, a coalition of world powers have announced that they will inquire whether it is too late to boycott the Sochi Winter Oly…
Comic-Con fans eager to discover what they’ll spend next 12 months bitching about
SAN DIEGO – While San Diego prepares for this weekend’s 2014 Comic-Con International, fans of comic books and sci-fi are preparing to find out what they’ll spend the next year whining about…
Supreme Court overturns Alien v. Predator
WASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued a shocking 5-4 ruling on the landmark case of Alien v. Predator, ruling that the intergalactic hunters’ (“Predators”) victory violated th…
RCMP: Mike Duffy charged with accepting a bribe from nobody in particular
OTTAWA – RCMP officials announced this morning that suspended senator Mike Duffy will face 31 charges, namely accepting a $90,000 bribe from some guy, or woman, perhaps, who probably isn’t …
WORLD CUP FINAL: German efficiency trumps whatever Argentina is known for
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a narrowly scored last-minute goal, the German World Cup team’s efficient and relentless play has triumphed over Argentina’s style, which was probably hot or spicy or …
