OTTAWA – Nick Kouvalis, campaign manager for Kellie Leitch’s Conservative leadership bid, has resigned after receiving a failing grade on the candidate’s signature “Canadian Values Test”.
“First, the test asked, ‘What is a Canadian Value,’ so I answered ‘Scapegoating immigrants and refugees’,” said controversial campaign manager Kouvalis, moments after being asked to resign. “But if scapegoating immigrants and refugees is not a Canadian value, then I must have been way off about this entire country.”
Insiders report that the architect of Leitch’s Conservative leadership was woefully unprepared to answer even basic questions about what Canadians actually value.
“They asked him, ‘what is a Canadian thing to do’,” explained an anonymous Leitch campaign staffer. “Kouvalis responded ‘A Canadian thing to do is get a crack-smoking disgrace elected mayor of Toronto’.” The staffer stared in horror at Kouvalis’ answer sheet, before continuing. “We didn’t even intend for anyone to actually take this ridiculous Canadian Values Test. But these answers are still… holy hell.”
“I mean, this Kouvalis guy actually is Canadian. You’d think that’d score him at least a 50%.”
A leaked copy of Kouvalis’ Canadian Values Test reveals numerous bafflingly un-Canadian answers. Asked, ‘What do Canadians call each other,’ Kouvalis responded ‘Cucks’.” The embattled political operative also answered “Turning groups of Canadians against each other for political gain” when asked “What is a thing Canadians do for fun?”
Finally, when asked “How do Canadians look’, Kouvalis answered, ‘they wear goatees that make them look like the villains in a children’s pantomime’.
At press time this morning, Kellie Leitch had received a request from Nick Kouvalis for a reference letter, to be forwarded to the Kevin O’Leary campaign.
