NEW YORK – Notorious Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos has lost business deals with Simon & Schuster and the Conservative Political Action Conference after both finally bothered to research him in any capacity.
“Holy smokes! This guy is the worst,” said Jerry Alpern, managing editor for Simon & Schuster, as he read a page of google results. Alpern became concerned this weekend when journalists noted an easily-searchable video of Yiannopoulos advocating for sex with underage boys. “When I saw that video I was like, ‘How the fuck did we miss this,’ and also, ‘why does this guy dress like a Golden Girls cosplayer?’”
“Jesus, get your head in the game, Jerry.”
The publisher’s first cursory google search of Yiannopoulos, a man with whom they had recently signed a lucrative book deal, reportedly yielded numerous “deal breakers”. These included his role in the #Gamergate harassment campaign, his fundraising for a “whites only” scholarship that has yet to disburse any funds, and getting banned from Twitter for organizing racist harassment of comedian Leslie Jones. The search however failed to yield a single credible reason why Yiannopoulos should have a book deal in the first place.
“Like, he’s not even a particularly good writer. And we’re a company that sells books!”
The dumping of Yiannopoulos has led Simon & Schuster to institute a company-wide “let’s actually do the bare minimum research on our writers” policy.
While publishers Simon & Schuster struggle to explain how they forgot to google Yiannopoulos for months, directors for CPAC admit that ignoring Milo’s controversies was a deliberate strategy. “We turn a blind eye to most of what Milo actually does,” says Matt Schlapp, chairman of the American Conservative Union. “All we knew is that Milo hates liberals, trans people, and feminists, which as you can imagine was very exciting to our conference attendees.”
Schlapp continued, “We especially loved how Milo gleefully embodies every negative stereotype we hold about gay people, while simultaneously letting us hide behind him as our ‘token gay member’.”
“But bragging about sleeping with underage boys,” Schlapp explained, “Let’s just say that we conservatives draws the line at the ‘boys’ part.” Schlapp then directed attendees to a keynote address by President Donald Trump.
“At least the president had the decency to brag about walking in on change rooms full of underage girls.”