QUÉBEC CITY – The province of Québec has announced plans to charge a tax on unvaccinated citizens who make up the bulk of COVID hospitalizations, as well as visible religious minorities “ju…
Local man pulls fire alarm to avoid friends discovering he doesn’t like Succession
VICTORIA, BC – During a recent lunch at Burke’s Cafe, local paralegal Marc Antwern felt he had no choice but to pull a fire alarm to avoid his friends discovering that he does not like HBO’…
“Not having kids is selfish” says man who lives alone in golden palace
VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis has described people’s decisions to have pets instead of children as “selfish”, during a recent general audience in the opulent cathedral-like palace of which he…
Doug Ford’s Ontario revealed to be alternate universe shown to suicidal man by Christmas angel
QUEEN’S PARK – Reports indicate that dire circumstances throughout Doug Ford’s Ontario are actually due to it being a fantastical alternate reality, created by a Christmas angel in order to…
Local man who hasn’t started Christmas shopping betting it all on Omicron lockdown
GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue …
Nova Scotian mall insists giant tree will only eat “3 to 4 kids, max” this Christmas
DARTMOUTH, NS – With international media picking up the story of “the creepiest Christmas tree of 2021”, administrators at Mic Mac Mall have assured shoppers that Woody will consume no more…
Childhood home sold to lovely young numbered holding company
BRAMPTON – Local family the Feldmans have recently sold their beloved 2-story bungalow to a charming, newly-incorporated holding company. “Our family made a lot of memories in that home,” e…
Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store
TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…
Funeral organist already sweating nervously in anticipation of Sondheim memorial
NEW YORK – Following the death of American musical theater legend Stephen Sondheim at age 91, the organist at the Midtown Synagogue is reportedly “sweating bullets” while attempting to prac…
BREAKING: World Health Organization announces Black Friday deals on new omicron variant
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The World Health Organization has announced a last minute doorcrasher deal on the latest COVID variant, omicron, just in time for Black Friday shopping. “With the Chri…
