OTTAWA – With polls showing Conservatives trouncing the federal Liberals in a hypothetical election, Prime Minister Trudeau reassured worried party staffers that he will suffer almost no loss to his wealth or quality of life after the forthcoming rout.
“I understand that the polls look bleak,” Trudeau explained to anxious Liberal insiders during a recent policy retreat, “But you can take solace in the fact that I will certainly be offered my pick of corporate board seats, no-show consultancies, and lucrative speaking engagements, all while the rest of you struggle to pick up the shattered pieces of this once-great party.”
“We’re just going through a rough patch now, and if anything I’ll likely be exponentially more wealthy than I already was while in public office,” Trudeau added cheerfully.
Currently, polls predict the Liberal party handily losing the next election to either a Conservative minority or possibly majority. While many party insiders are reportedly brainstorming radical policy to tackle inflation and housing affordability, Trudeau urged them to instead take comfort in the knowledge that he is “totally set for life”.
With polling showing the Federal Conservatives leading the Liberals with 38% to 28% in public support, Trudeau assured many of his MPs who stand to lose their seats that he will absolutely offer them an opening spot at one of his future speaking engagements, or possibly a signed copy of the next autobiography he’s already received a huge advance to write. He then added a broader message to the party.
“Look, we’re the Liberals. We could respond to this by ‘developing new policies’ or ‘changing at all’, but that’s not how we roll,” Trudeau explained. “We, and most importantly I, will weather this electoral rough patch the same way we always have – by going limp during the next election, disappearing into the worlds of finance and business, and then re-emerging 10 years later when voters get tired of the Conservatives to re-assume our natural place as the rulers of Canada, completely unchanged.”
“Well, you’ll all do that. I’ll be relaxing on a private beach in the Maldives scrolling Tinder, or one of those rich people dating apps none of you have ever heard of,” Trudeau added, before offering the sad-faced staffers a thumbs up.
As the Liberal Party’s fundraising apparatus faces a tough battle against Poilievre and the Conservatives’ small donor advantage, the current Prime Minister encouraged them all to “chillax” about money problems.
“Let’s face it, as the son of a former PM, it’s not like I was ever gonna go broke,” Trudeau reminded the ashen-faced crowd. “But even if our party gets completely annihilated – which all indications are that it will – please remind yourselves that you all did an excellent job positioning me to live a life of international opulence that few will ever even dream of.”
Trudeau then listed the dozens of high profile speeches and interviews given by former PM Stephen Harper, as well as former Liberal Leader Jean Chretien’s prominent placement in the Paradise Papers, as proof that his own best years lay ahead.
“Heck, I even heard that Paul Martin gets a reserved booth at his local Boston Pizza, and I’m a way bigger deal than that putz,” explained Trudeau, as the Liberals dropped another 3 points in the national polling average.
Asked whether this voter backlash could have been avoided, Trudeau grew pensive.
“Y’know, if I could go back in time and do all the things I campaigned on… I still wouldn’t do them. But yeah, maybe that’d change things. I dunno.”
Trudeau concluded, “Anyways, just know that this isn’t a goodbye, but a see you later, at the UN, or the World Economic Forum, or during speaking engagements at left-leaning US campuses where I am still worshiped like a rock star.”