Los Angeles, CA – After receiving heavy criticism for a lack of diversity at this year’s ceremonies, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has pledged to include a larger variety …
Man who “can’t relate” to Turning Red loves Star Wars
TORONTO – Local man Terrance Matthews has reported to his friends that he couldn’t relate to Turning Red’s main character while still deeply relating to Luke Skywalker from Star Wars. “The…
Friend insists you gotta watch first 17 seasons of TV show before it gets good
NETFLIX, Internet – Your friend just scolded you for giving up the show he wanted you to watch after you reported only watching the first three seasons and not liking it. “Dude, you didn’t …
Batman has been out for a week, isn’t it time for a reboot?
Los Angeles, CA – After a very long week in theatres, there’s only one question on people’s minds, who is going to play Batman next? With the public’s ravenous appetite for reboots and reva…
Bar finally set low enough for mediocre man to become hero
TORONTO, ON ― After years of plummeting faith in the male population has set expectations to a new low, local man Todd Ernst’s average existence has now been deemed “heroic” by his local neighbou…
Opinion: I didn’t get it at first but once you start fucking Pete Davidson it totally makes sense
LOS ANGELES – By 2025, the World Health Organization predicts 80 percent of the world’s population will have contracted COVID-19, and 91 percent will have fucked Pete Davidson. I fucked Pe…
Vanilla Ice hopes Spotify notices he also removed his music in Joe Rogan protest
Stockholm, Sweden – After Neil Young has made headlines for removing his music from Spotify in protest of Joe Rogan’s COVID misinformation, Vanilla Ice has removed his music in the hopes so…
Inspiring! This cat sensed its owner was about to have a seizure so it clawed his face and pissed on the carpet
TORONTO, ON ― Another pet has gone from cuddly companion to a life-saving hero after Peter Barkley’s cat Sprinkles sprung into action before he had a seizure. “It’s true that Sprinkles does often…
Opinion: I’m actually protesting at this hospital because the cafeteria options are bad
Sick Kids, Toronto – It appears there’s been a misunderstanding. I am not some jerk who is protesting at this hospital because I don’t want to be vaccinated. I am protesting at this hospita…
FDA tells American horses to stop taking COVID vaccinations for worm infestations
Silver Spring, MD – The United States Food and Drug Administration has asked American horses to stop taking COVID vaccines to treat their worm infestations. “There is no evidence that COVID…
