FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted. “I am almost certain t…
Local highschooler thinks new wallet chain will prove he’s not fucking around this year
CALGARY, AB – Duncan Mckenzie believes the new chain connecting his quicksilver branded wallet to his pants is really going to turn some heads this year. “A lot of kids don’t seem to take m…
Parents think world-ending catastrophe actually huge opportunity for you
Zoom call, ON – Last Friday during a grueling 12 minute zoom call with your parents, they both explained that the current hopeless, terrible, deadly pandemic restricting everyone to stay in…
Zack Snyder releases Justice League “Perfect Cut” which begins at end credits
HOLLYWOOD – Justice League fans are raving after Zack Snyder finally releases his perfect cut of the Justice League film which cuts everything except the end credits. “There was just so muc…
Leaked documents reveal Trump met with West Coast wildfire in early July
Washington, D.C. – Recently leaked documents from the White House reveal President Donald Trump had a secret meeting with the deadly wildfires currently burning across the west coast of Nor…
“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car
Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a …
Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner
TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner. “The government isn…
Disney World Darth Vader actually having trouble breathing
ORLANDO, FL – Numerous Disney World customers were annoyed after one of the actors playing Darth Vader actually had trouble breathing due to contracting corona-virus from park patrons. “It …
Blue Jays offer to change name to something racist in order to find new home in U.S.
Anywhere but TORONTO – After the Toronto Blue Jays have been barred from playing in their home city and rejected by Pittsburgh, the desperate team has stated they are willing to change thei…
Local mom shocked to discover ACAB doesn’t stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze”
Muskoka, ON – Local mother Wendy Marylin was shocked to discover her favourite acronym “ACAB” did not commonly stand for “A Cool Autumn Breeze.” “I thought this whole time I was just celebr…
