CAMBRIDGE, MA – University of Phoenix scholar and die-hard Facebook scroller Dr. Devan Leeland has stated he would rather die than risk dying from the AstraZeneca vaccine.
“It’s really just about understanding the science,” said Dr. Leeland. “If I catch Covid as a 45 year old male, there is a 1 in 10,000 chance of me dying. However, if I take the vaccine there is a whopping 1 in 1,000,000 chance of me dying. If you’re smart enough to understand that, then you’ll see it makes way more sense to catch COVID, suffer, and die than get the vaccine.”
Many smart politicians from all over the world have begun rejecting orders of the vaccine as they have similarly realized they would rather have their populations die than risk them dying.
“We have studied the numbers and trust the opinion of our population who have not really read anything,” said French President Emmanuel Macron. “Everyday when I drive to work there is a 1 in 15,000 chance I die in an accident, a 1 in 25,000 chance of dying from heart disease from my diet, so there is no way I can just risk myself again just to save myself. Especially when you consider there is already a 1 in 12,000 chance of me dying from catching COVID in the first place!”
Women around the world have also voiced their opinions on why it doesn’t make sense for them to get vaccinated. “If I am on birth control, I have a bigger chance of getting blood clots than I do with the vaccine,” said Britain Heather Dwyre. “That means that because I am on birth control, I don’t have to get vaccinated.”
In countries where public opinion is divided, hospitals have set up two rooms: one where a person can get vaccinated, or another where a gun is available inside the room to shoot themselves in the foot.
“What I love about this country is the freedoms I believe I have,” said American Ernst Yield while loading a shotgun and aiming it at his foot.
“It’s my right to die how I choose and it’s also my right to spread a deadly disease to people I come in contact with!”