TORONTO – Saying “it’s now or never,” loose cannon Toronto Police Services horse constable Freckles has abandoned his surveillance team in pursuit of a mid-level drug dealer from the Barksd…
Faith healer Trudeau tours country performing miracle of restoring his popularity
HAMILTON – Worshipers flocked to town halls across the country to watch faith healer Justin Trudeau perform the miraculous healing of his damaged reputation. “Ladies and gentlemen, I was in…
What’s-His-Face, That Guy named to Canadian Olympic men’s hockey team
TORONTO – Team Canada has announced its men’s Olympic hockey roster which includes such notable players as What’s-His-Face, That Guy, and Him. “We have a very talented, hard-working team,” …
St. Francis Xavier’s pinky finger curls ominously after parishioner makes first wish
Antigonish, NS – Reports indicate that the relic of St. Francis Xavier has curled back one of its digits after a man reportedly made a wish for $200,000 to pay for his mortgage. “I warned y…
Harper government offers official apology to victims of long-form census
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. June 10th, 2010 OTTAWA – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has issued an…
Andrew Scheer takes decisive action after Senator Beyak’s 2,647th racist comment
OTTAWA – Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer has made a swift decision after removing Senator Lynn Beyak from party caucus after her 2,647th dumbfoundingly racist comment towards indige…
By 12 PM today, top earning CEOs will have eaten your lunch
OTTAWA – A new study by the Canadian Institute for Policy Alternatives says that by 12 PM today, Canada’s top earning CEOs have already eaten the lunch you’ve prepared for work. Research sh…
Ontario worker happy about finally earning a living wage to be laid off next week
PARRY SOUND, ON – Seeing her wages boosted to $14/hour, minimum-wage bakery worker Michelle Templeton was reportedly looking forward to living slightly above the poverty line before being u…
The Beaverton’s book ‘Glorious and/or Free’ sweeps First Annual Beaverton Book Awards
TORONTO – The First Annual Beaverton Book Awards was handed out last night with The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. winning all 25 categories. The award…
Parliament Hill cancels NYE plans after failing to anticipate winter might be cold
OTTAWA – Many of the Canada 150 New Year’s Eve celebrations have been cancelled after event organizers failed to consider the possibility of winter. Despite the considerable cost and hours …
