By 12 PM today, top earning CEOs will have eaten your lunch - The Beaverton

By 12 PM today, top earning CEOs will have eaten your lunch

OTTAWA – A new study by the Canadian Institute for Policy Alternatives says that by 12 PM today, Canada’s top earning CEOs have already eaten the lunch you’ve prepared for work.

Research shows that the 100 wealthiest corporate leaders have already made a dastardly dash to the fridge where you’ve placed a hearty, noon-time meal you’ve prepared and consumed all of it.

“Hardworking Canadians who have prepared tuna sandwiches, packed yogurt, or brought leftovers to heat up have already been eaten by corporate greed,” explained CCPA researcher Joan Van Klerk. “Joe Papa, CEO of Valeant Pharmaceuticals, has already eaten your sliced fruit while Royal Bank CEO David McKay is munching on your kale salad.”

“By the time you get to the fridge or cupboard, it will be gone, all gone.”

The corporate executives will also callously drink all the coffee left in the pot without refilling the coffee maker and adding adequate coffee grinds.

The report also indicates that the corporate leaders will be cackling as they pick out and scarf down all of the chocolate M&Ms from your trail mix leaving behind the rump raisins and rejected peanuts.

Want more satire in your life? Check out the Beaverton Podcast!