HAMILTON – Worshipers flocked to town halls across the country to watch faith healer Justin Trudeau perform the miraculous healing of his damaged reputation.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I was in a deep and dark place when I heard I was slipping in the polls,” said Trudeau wearing his ceremonial rolled-sleeved dress shirt. “But then I heard a mighty voice that called out ‘Justin, go to the people’s town halls. Give them the opportunity to see your beautiful face; It was the voice of the Almighty PMO advisers.”
Trudeauvangelists and other faithfuls packed the university auditoriums to hear the Liberal Gospel and be touched by powerful words such as “diversity” and “innovation”.
“He’s completely cured my anger over him being found guilty of violating the Conflict of Interest Act,” a thankful Janice Lee. “I felt his presence; he spoke to me and purged my memory of that Aga Khan thing. Praise Trudeau!”
Then came Trudeau’s greatest miracle yet; a heckler speaking in tongues interrupted his response babbling and yelling something about ISIS.
“He is clearly possessed by xenophobic anger,” Trudeau said while the possessed man continued to shout about some column he read in the Toronto Sun.
“The passion for your country compels you,” he said repeatedly to the deranged agitator before he received the holy palm of a police officer.
“That’s amazing!” said Travis Eckstrom. “Just like Jesus turned water into wine, Trudeau has turned ignorant comments into popularity.”