TYENDINAGA – Officials with the Ontario Provincial Police have moved in on Indigenous protesters after exhausting all their strategies of polite colonialism. “We graciously asked them to le…
Leafs lose after failing to call up emergency backup team
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have lost a critical game against the Carolina Hurricanes after coach Sheldon Keefe allowed his full roster of players to remain on the ice despite feignin…
Quebec not going to let some pissant cowboys from Alberta threaten separation like they do
QUEBEC – In response to Alberta’s Buffalo Declaration, Quebec politicians are refusing to allow a bunch of measly Albertan yokels muscle in on their tactic of threatening to separate from t…
Peter MacKay deletes tweet praising “military victory” during Oka Crisis
OTTAWA – Conservative Party leadership candidate Peter MacKay hastily deleted another tweet which praised Canada’s heroic “military victory” at Oka, Quebec in 1990. “Our brave boys sacrific…
Indebted Bombardier sells off its politicians
MONTREAL – Bombardier Inc announced today that it will be selling a portion of its MPs, MNAs, and local politicians to help cover its $9.3 billion debt. “We have a large amount of infrastru…
Frustrated CN execs complain blockades have delayed dozens of oil tanker derailments
SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers. The train-wreck industry, a vital componen…
Trudeau: We must acknowledge the sacred sovereignty of Canada’s oil and gas companies
OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet’suwet’en territory, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred an…
Bombardier ask for another $3.7 billion to study the effects of government money going through a jet engine
MONTREAL – Executives at Bombardier Inc. have asked the federal and provincial governments for another $3.7 billion in government grants and subsidies for a special research project whereby…
Postmedia columnists take a break from dehumanizing drug users to humanize Jordan Peterson’s drug problem
TORONTO – Postmedia columnists have taken time out of their busy days of condemning safe consumption sites and the “dangerous people” who use them to address Jordan Peterson’s addiction to …
Canadians stockpile ear protection as precaution for John Baird leadership bid
OTTAWA – In preparation for a possible John Baird Conservative Party leadership bid, Canadians have been busy stocking ear protection equipment. Media speculation about Baird’s possible ent…