VIA Rail relieved they don’t have to use bullshit ‘passing freight train’ excuse for late trains BELLVILLE, ON – VIA Rail has expressed relief that now they have a legitim…
Trudeau slides into African Union’s DMs
ADDIS ABABA – A flirtatious Justin Trudeau has slid into the DMs of the African Union’s Instagram account while on a charm offensive throughout the continent. “Heeeeey, you seem familiar, d…
Comments section quarantined for outbreak of coronavirus-related racism
TORONTO – Thousands of Facebook users have been quarantined by the Public Health Agency of Canada after a significant outbreak of novel coronavirus-related bigotry on a CBC News comments th…
Doug Ford has 95% approval rating among kids who hate school
HAMILTON – Premier Doug Ford and his Ontario PCs are decisively ahead among children who hate their schools, principals, and teachers. According to an Ipsos poll, 95% of Ontario elementary …
US Senate confirms committing crimes not illegal
WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans have confirmed that the crimes committed by US President Donald Trump, including abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, were not illegal. In a 53-47 vot…
Desperate nation pining for US celebrity’s attention denies it’s boring
CANADA – Citizens from a nation always seeking US approval are expressing outrage that a washed-up pop singer from the 1980s called the country “boring.” “How dare she call us dull,” said M…
Ontario’s education minister hopes fake anti-teacher coalition named after his riding won’t attract suspicion
VAUGHAN, ON – Education Minister and MPP for Vaughan Stephen Lecce is confident a fictitious anti-teachers union group called Vaughan Working Families whose ads appeared in major national n…
Violence devastates otherwise respectful Calgary-Edmonton hockey relationship
CALGARY – Two Alberta NHL teams and their fans are trying to heal after a devastating game that was marred by unexpected violence and childish name calling last night in Calgary. The game, …
Boris Johnson, fellow Brexiters celebrate Scottish Independence Day
LONDON – Tens of thousands of Brexiters came out to celebrate the main cause of Scotland’s independence from the United Kingdom. English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was given a majori…