OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has absorbed the resignation from Parliament by climate activist Steven Guilbeault, immediately announcing that his seat would be replaced with a tar sands tailings pond that will be ceremonially set on fire.
“While it is sad to see a colleague go,” said Carney without even breaking stride, “This is a wonderful opportunity to give more representation to the beleaguered province of Alberta. And what could be more representative of the Wild Rose country than a toxic pile of sludge that ruins the atmosphere?”
While privately disturbed that being seated near a source of carcinogens will likely hasten their deaths, members of the Liberal caucus publicly supported the Prime Minister because he is remarkably popular and they regularly trade their values for any hint of power.
“Do I like breathing in polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons that will eventually give me cancer? No,” noted Calgary Confederation MP Corey Hogan. “But if I do it, and make speeches about how we can expand fossil fuel extraction and fight climate change at the same time, maybe one day Carney will make me Minister of Environment. Hopefully before my brain breaks from lying so obviously.”
Despite a Liberal government again bending the knee to the petroleum industry, the response out of Alberta was a brief press release saying: “Suck our truck nuts, libtards!”
