The old-growth forests of BC are globally rare biodiversity hotspots, significant carbon sinks, as well as possess deep cultural and spiritual importance for indigenous groups. Only a tiny fraction (3%) of the remaining old-growth forests in BC support the rare large trees, which incidentally make excellent tool sheds.
“The Ministry is proud to announce we will now subsidise old-growth timber preservation techniques, such as routine application of wood-penetrating oils to maintain their awe-inspiring sheen.” read a statement issued by the BC Ministry of Forests. “These measures will ensure that virtually all 70m tall western hemlocks survive long enough to become, say, an entryway bench or dining set.”
An accompanying research report also concluded that a 1500-year-old western hemlock can survive as a townhome fence for up to 20 years, with regular application of a stain and sealant to fight mildew.
“This program represents a win-win situation for both our forestry sector and all British Columbians,” said Minister Katrine Conroy. “It ensures future generations will be able to have the life-changing experience of gazing upon a massive, immaculate western red cedar deck at some rich person’s home.”
In related news, conservationists scored another big win after the Federal government announced plans to preserve all the marbled murrelets who call the BC old-growth forest home using modern taxidermy techniques.