TORONTO – As the billions of relief dollars sent to Ontario by the federal government continue to sit unused, Doug Ford is promising all citizens that, when the time is right, he will spend the money on a big pizza party.
“Sure I could use the money to make schools, the TTC or government buildings more COVID safe,” said Ford, gaunt from spending the federal election campaign in an underground bunker. “OR we could throw a big party where everyone gets up to three of those square slices of pizza.”
“Plus a pop!” he added.
Government insiders say that as soon as COVID is a thing of the past in mid 2024, the government will arrange for a pizza party to take place at thousands of locations across the province. In addition to the food, there will be games, a bouncy castle, and animal balloons in the shape of Doug’s beloved brother Rob.
“We’re also hard at work training all the new clowns we’ll need for the party,” said Ford.
However, economists predict that such a party could only conceivably cost a few million, even if the Tories spring for extra toppings and dipping sauces. When asked what he would do with the remainder of the funds Ford advised that his Cabinet Members were hard at work deciding between Laser Tag and a trip to the zoo.
In completely unrelated news the Ontario government had announced a massive tax cut for top income earners.