TORONTO – The Ontario Minister of Government Services Lisa Thompson responded to critics of the new unreadable Ontario license plate by saying that they were rigorously tested at the Queensway parking lot between a Red Lobster and a derelict convenience store.
“The premier had a hand-selected group of local experts test the new plate in real-world situations,” said the minister. “We are confident in their results.”
The head of ergonomic design and hash distribution, identified as Gord, quoted his research saying, “This plate fully meets our needs. We parked an ‘86 Camaro overnight in the lot and not one cop could spot it.”
The team of distinguished analysts was shocked at the suggestion that they were selected for this task force due to connections to Premier Doug Ford.
“I wasn’t even born when Dougie was slinging hash around here,” replied Gord. “Back then he was running the street with my old man, god rest his soul. Personally, I have only met him once at a fundraiser for his brother in a basement in Scarborough.”
He paused, eyes glistening. “I miss Rob.”
The testing team also played down the controversy that the blue background is unsubtle political advertising for the Conservative Party.
“Favouring one party over another would be unethical!” said another researcher while stashing a bag of crystal meth in his pocket. “We recommended the blue because it’s low-contrast with the white. It’s all in the report we submitted to Deco Labels and Tags.”
The researchers confirmed that further tests were nearing completion as they ran down unsuspecting pedestrians while bystanders were unable to record plate numbers for the police.