THE SKY – Air Canada has recently released an update to their on-board safety procedures where, in the event of a cabin pressure change, they’re now instructing passengers to 360 roundhouse kick the person next to them only after they’ve secured their own oxygen mask.
“I know it is human nature,” began Air Canada flight attendant Miguel Ferez during the onboard safety demonstration, “to want to tend to the person next to you before yourself but as the saying goes: you can’t help others if you’re dead.”
Reader’s note: Ferez continued to demonstrate the new MASK FIRST/ KICK SECOND safety protocol on his fellow flight attendant.
“So, in the unlikely event the oxygen masks do drop down,” motions Ferez, “secure the straps to your own face before securing a swift kick to the face of the person next to you. Otherwise, there will be two people left unconscious and that’s just double trouble.”
Ferez then added, “Okay, Jean-Luc get up. It’s time to say that all again but in French…”
In a report released by Air Canada, the new MASK FIRST/ KICK SECOND mandate has proven to be the most effective way to mitigate risk during an in-flight cabin pressure change.
“The trick is not to panic,” explains Trisha Duluth, Air Canada spokesperson. “Especially if you’re traveling with an elderly person or a child under three. Air Canada wants you to remain calm, reach for your own oxygen mask first, and then, release a flying scissor kick to that old geezer, second. Safety fucking first.”
According to Duluth Air Canada is also in the process of updating their other emergency policies – like in the event of a water landing, reach under your seat to grab your personal flotation device before putting your seat-buddy into a choke hold and to make sure the floating slide is fully deployed before delivering a flying elbow to someone’s knee.
“Rest assured smoking is still prohibited on all flights.”
Following Air Canada, other airlines are reportedly in the process of revolutionizing their own policies and procedures except United Airlines, who’s on-board violence already happens naturally.