MARCH 18TH UPDATE: Buckingham Palace has re-confirmed reports made last week, saying that not only does Kate Middleton have three hands which she has always had, but that King Charles the Third, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of His other Realms and Territories, King, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, is totally alive and healthy and hanging out with Kate at a beautiful farm out in the countryside.
“Yes, His Royal Majesty is doing quite well, on the farm with space to run around” said one Royal aide. “We would love to take a photo to prove to the Commonwealth that he is alive and well, but he’s running around SO MUCH that we can’t get a photo of him.” The Aide also insisted that the King is healthy, happy, and and absolutely not on his deathbed hastily planning a messy Royal succession with one son who is secretly mired in scandal and another who has fled to America with the 7th lead on the USA Network drama Suits.
LONDON – In the wake of releasing a photo of Kate Middleton that many have accused of being photoshopped, Kensington Palace officials insist that picture is both recent and real, and that the Princess of Wales has famously always had three hands.
With rumours swirling for weeks that Kate Middleton’s lack of public appearances is indicative of some kind of conspiracy, Royal aides insist nothing could be further from the truth for everybody’s favourite three-handed princess.
“Of course that very recent picture is entirely real,” insisted one palace aide. “Royal fans around the globe love Kate’s beautifully-manicured third hand. In fact, who can forget Kate and William’s gorgeous wedding at Westminster Abbey, where they each held hands to say their vows, and she then reached around with her third appendage and gave a thumbs up to the adoring crowds?”
In response to online discussion that the supposedly-recent photo of Kate and her three children looked heavily photoshopped, the Palace rebutted these queries with a written statement from Kate Middleton herself.
“Hello everyone, it is I, Kate Middeltton, writing this statement myself with my third hand which has definitely always been a thing. I am absolutely currently alive and well, just as you see in that very recent photo of me and my many healthy appendages. Also, I have become allergic to getting any new photographs taken of myself, and I certainly haven’t mysteriously disappeared off the face of the planet on another Malaysia Airlines flight along with King Charles and the rest of the Royals.
Anyway, enjoy that very real and NOT photoshopped photo of me, I’m doing great, haha. I’ll see you all soon, or maybe not soon, anyways I am for sure alive.
Sincerely,
Kaylee Minglethorpe”
Kensington Palace wishes to remind the British public that Middleton has also always had legs that seem too short for her body, doesn’t properly cast shadows, and in photographs sometimes looks like a picture of her own head taped onto a picture of Kiera Knightly’s body.
At press time, the Palace also wishes to encourage Royal watchers around the world to focus on how this past weekend Meghan Markle forgot to say “gesundheit” after somebody sneezed.
