KANATA, ON – After a little more than a week after wrapping their 31st-place season, Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk held what was otherwise a routine press conference today about the t…
Tag: hockey
‘Maybe this is the year the Leafs beat Boston,’ says delusional idiot who doesn’t know shit
TORONTO – Local man Dennis Hendricks believes this could be the year the Leafs finally end their playoff losing streak against the Boston Bruins, mostly because he’s a dumb fuck who says du…
Leafs tickets 33% off since team only plays two periods
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs are offering discounted tickets that are two-thirds of the price as the team only seems to play for 40 minutes. The team’s box office has given fans a brea…
Team of Mascots arrive from the future to kill Gritty before he gets too powerful
PHILADELPHIA – Mayhem broke out at the Wells Fargo Center this evening, when a Flyers practice was interrupted as an interdimensional portal opened up with several grizzled looking NHL masc…
Referee reverses call after man yells at TV loud enough
ORILLIA, ON – Upon hearing that he’d made a “bullshit call” from a distant voice that powered its way through the television screen, an NHL referee reversed his penalty decision this evenin…
Unemployed man thinks hockey player lacks hustle
LETHBRIDGE, AB – During a hockey game Tuesday, local unemployed man Gareth Krag became quite outspoken about the lack of hustle shown by players on both teams. Over the 3 hour broadcast, he…
Philadelphia Flyers relieved to learn that everyone else can see Gritty too
PHILADELPHIA – During a media scrum earlier this morning, members of the Philadelphia Flyers were brought close to tears upon learning that mascot Gritty was something other people could se…
Parents update password to latest dog
VANCOUVER, BC – In a surprising move, Kevin and Sue Dikkers have updated their computer passwords to the latest family dog. ‘Frances!1’ replaces ‘Benji!1’ a long running password in held in…
Edmonton hockey fans counting down the days until Oilers are mathematically eliminated from playoffs
EDMONTON — As the Oilers took the ice for their final exhibition game Saturday night, Jeff Kawchuk and Doug Mason stood behind the end boards beaming like kids on Christmas Eve. “175 days,”…
QUIZ: Will your child be an NHL star or are you too poor to afford thousands in upfront costs?
With hockey season getting underway, a new journey is about to begin for thousands of children across the nation. They’ll be stepping onto the ice for the first time with dreams of one day …