Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visi…
Tag: hockey
Sport that definitely doesn’t have a racism problem suffers second racism scandal of month
CALGARY – Hockey, a sport that everyone agrees has absolutely no problem with racism and if you say otherwise you are a social justice warrior trying to stir up trouble, is currently being …
Having to watch Leafs play now considered cruel and unusual punishment
TORONTO – In a unanimous decision The Court Of Appeal For Ontario has declared that no individual ought to be forced to watch the 2019-2020 Leafs play, on account of the overwhelming levels…
Eugene Melnyk spends entire press conference referring to team as “Houston Senators”
KANATA, ON – After a little more than a week after wrapping their 31st-place season, Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk held what was otherwise a routine press conference today about the t…
‘Maybe this is the year the Leafs beat Boston,’ says delusional idiot who doesn’t know shit
TORONTO – Local man Dennis Hendricks believes this could be the year the Leafs finally end their playoff losing streak against the Boston Bruins, mostly because he’s a dumb fuck who says du…
Leafs tickets 33% off since team only plays two periods
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs are offering discounted tickets that are two-thirds of the price as the team only seems to play for 40 minutes. The team’s box office has given fans a brea…
Team of Mascots arrive from the future to kill Gritty before he gets too powerful
PHILADELPHIA – Mayhem broke out at the Wells Fargo Center this evening, when a Flyers practice was interrupted as an interdimensional portal opened up with several grizzled looking NHL masc…
Referee reverses call after man yells at TV loud enough
ORILLIA, ON – Upon hearing that he’d made a “bullshit call” from a distant voice that powered its way through the television screen, an NHL referee reversed his penalty decision this evenin…
Unemployed man thinks hockey player lacks hustle
LETHBRIDGE, AB – During a hockey game Tuesday, local unemployed man Gareth Krag became quite outspoken about the lack of hustle shown by players on both teams. Over the 3 hour broadcast, he…
Philadelphia Flyers relieved to learn that everyone else can see Gritty too
PHILADELPHIA – During a media scrum earlier this morning, members of the Philadelphia Flyers were brought close to tears upon learning that mascot Gritty was something other people could se…