TORONTO – Companies outraged that employees would choose to take the $2,000.00 Emergency Response Benefit over returning to work 40-50 hours per week in the midst of a pandemic briefly cons…
Tag: McDonalds
Local man convinces self he’s having good time at back of concert
TORONTO – A local man standing alone at the back of a rap concert at the Rebel Entertainment Complex assures himself that he is having a good time, maybe even better than those at the front. “Hon…
McDonald’s unveils all-day breakfast in Canada to stress-test healthcare system
TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selectio…
Rideau Street collapses under weight of bathroom lineup for Byward Market McDonalds
OTTAWA – City of Ottawa engineers have determined that the sinkhole on Rideau Street was caused by the weight of the multitudes lined up to use the restroom at the McDonalds leading into th…
McDonald’s new vegan quinoa tempeh salad less healthy than getting stabbed
HAMILTON – Ubiquitous fast food franchise McDonald’s has added the new Vegan Quinoa Tempeh Salad to their list of “health conscious” food options, which studies now say is worse for you the…
McDonald’s Canada CEO fired, replaced by temporary foreign worker
TORONTO – After calling reports that McDonald’s uses foreign labour “bullshit”, CEO John Betts has been let go and replaced with a temporary foreign worker. “We decided that Joh…
McDonald’s introduces the McMigrant worker
VICTORIA – Fast food chain McDonald’s unveiled its new line of workers called the McMigrant on Monday. “Canadians are familiar with our minimum wage labour jobs that are usually occupied by…
Homeless man probably fine
TORONTO – After brief but careful analyses of the clothing, grooming, and language ability of an elderly homeless man who spends hours each day repeatedly walking between the Annex and Park…
Local rapper doesn’t give a fuck about bitches
RICHMOND HILL, ON – Local rapper Justin “J-Swingy” Simms announced to his circle of friends earlier this week that he did not, indeed, give a fuck about bitches. “We were just chilling at M…
Man invents new Slurpee flavour by mixing the shit out of the other ones
WINNIPEG – Local resident and regular 7-11 patron Dale Brattigan laid claim to a new Slurpee flavour last Tuesday by combining all available flavours into one large cup and mixing the shit …