PHILADELPHIA — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report which detailed decades of sexual abuses by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the world’s Catholic priests are expressing relief tha…
Tag: god
Polite missionary patiently waiting for smarmy undergraduate philosophy student to stop fucking talking
TORONTO – Braxton Warmington, 18, a Mormon missionary, was busy nodding his head in polite agreement earlier today while local University student, Corey Langhart, 20, castigated him for sev…
Government announces plans to make ‘O Canada’ deity neutral
OTTAWA – Following recent changes to make the national anthem gender neutral, the Liberal government is taking things one step further by also making the anthem applicable to a variety of gods. T…
God sick of shutting all these doors and opening all these fucking windows
Heaven – The omnipresent being that created all of existence is reportedly growing tired of shutting multiple doors for humans and then being expected to also open a corresponding window. “…
Houston Red Cross running dangerously low on thoughts and prayers
HOUSTON – The Houston chapter of the American Red Cross has issued a desperate plea for thoughts and prayers as Hurricane Harvey inundates southern Texas with record rainfall and devastatin…
Nihilistic anti-abortion advocate believes life ends at conception
EDMONTON – The head of an emerging group of nihilistic anti-abortion activists has begun lobbying the government to outlaw abortions on the philosophy that we are all dead the second we are conce…
Study: tea bag string dropping into hot water God’s way of saying “Fuck you, Darryl”
PARIS — Researchers from France have confirmed that when your tea bag string falls into a hot cup of water, little paper tab and all, it is God’s very personal way of saying “Yeah guess wha…
Exasperated God going to keep making new kinds of spiders until we stop being so racist
EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Dona…
Ugh. This baby boomer thinks he knows more than millennials just because the Gods have cursed him with prophecy
REGINA – All you 20-something’s get ready to roll your eyes, because we’ve got another baby boomer here who thinks he knows everything. Regina man Gary Parker claims he understands the worl…
Opposing football players discover they’ve been praying to same god
EAST RUTHERFORD – Minutes before kickoff of an NFL game, New York Jets cornerback Derrelle Revis and Dallas Cowboys tight end Jason Witten overheard each other praying to the same god for v…