OTTAWA – Following recent changes to make the national anthem gender neutral, the Liberal government is taking things one step further by also making the anthem applicable to a variety of gods.
The changes will mostly centre around the line “God keep our land”, though the exact wording is under debate. The original proposal suggested: “Various deities keep our land,” but that was amended to “various deities and / or no deity.” The most popular version now is “various pantheons of immortal beings including but not limited to Gods and Goddesses of all earthly religions and also alien religions and the supreme Lord Cthulhu keep our land.”
Polling shows 18% of Canadians support a deity-neutral anthem, while 30% think it’s “heresy”, and 50% think we should replace the whole thing with Hotline Bling.
Many members of the Conservative party are outraged by the proposed changes. “I thought they’d gone too far when they made it gender neutral,” said Conservative leader Andrew Scheer. “What’s next? Not singing a militaristic anthem to celebrate the fact that we live on the same piece of land? Erasing all national borders and creating a united anthem of humanity?… Why are you nodding?”
The debate has also opened up other parts of the anthem for discussion. For example, many Canadians think the phrase “true patriot love” should be changed to “moderate resident appreciation.”
Meanwhile, the province of Quebec is leaning into the political incorrectness of the French lyrics, proposing to change the line “For thy arm knows how to bear the sword” to “fuck Anglos” (that phrase is a lot longer in French).
Whatever the lyrics end up becoming, the amended national anthem is expected to be 30 minutes long, and end with the phrase “at least we’re not America” – one of the few things all Canadians can agree on.