NEW YORK CITY – After months of negotiations, Major League Baseball players and owners ratified a collective bargaining agreement to save the 2022 season after remembering how much the sport means to people who like to get a little buzz on during the day.
“Things were a bit dicey for a while but ultimately we had to come together to protect the best interests of the people this game is really for,” said Commissioner Rob Manfred. “And that is people who want to sit in the sun, down 4-5 Bud Lites, get lightheaded from the combination of the booze and the heat, then go home for a 5pm nap.”
“Them and the 10 or so kids who still have the patience to sit through a 3 hour game.”
The day drinking community has been increasingly worried about the situation as it looked like the season was in peril. Members were concerned they would only be able to drink at beaches, parks, patios, backyards, TFC games, cottages and rooftops this summer.
“Many of our members are uncomfortable with just day drinking for its own sake. But when you’re nominally there to watch a professional sports competition, you have the tiny, flimsy excuse you needed to get so drunk you forget the words to Take Me Out To The Ballgame,” said Toronto day drinking chapter president Luke Field.
“Plus at the Skydome they let you bring in your own food. So you can get hammered while eating a delightful charcuterie board and pretend you’re fancy.”
Insiders are hopeful baseball’s success will encourage the NHL to avoid future labour disputes in order to please its key audience: dads who drink to get over the fact their son will never play in the NHL.